kristin has no life.'s Journal|
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kristin has no life.'s LiveJournal:
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|Friday, October 3rd, 2008|
|done done done done done done done!
that's right. i'm done. over it. moving on. fed up. i can't take this anymore. the constant bickering, feeling like shit, like i'm not good enough. aren't i good enough? i mean, really. i don't know if i did something to deserve the whole being treated like a big bunch of nothing, but i think i should get something better than that. something way more. i've waited for him for over 6 months now. 6 MONTHS. give me a break! i can't wait around anymore!
so here's my pledge. i pledge to stop calling, texting, harassing, etc. and start working out, looking good, destressing, and just having a good time with my last 2 years here at kstate. when mr. right comes along, i'll know. and it's not this one. unless he can magically change his shitty ways, i am DONE.
talk about unlucky in love. yeah. me. as usual. Current Mood: miserable
|Sunday, December 16th, 2007|
i feel like i'm getting shafted. like i'm missing out. i'm the one who has gotten to be with him, and she gets the best of him...and now all of him. and now i'm home. and get to confront and deal with alec. which is another period of me getting shafted...this time i just get used.
i continue to let myself get treated like shit. all the time. i let men/boys/douche bags walk all over me. do what they want with me. and i just put up with it. EVERYTIME! can anyone help me with this issue? is there someone out there who will finally find me and treat me like any woman should be treated?
oh yeah. being home sucks. Current Mood: frustrated
|Tuesday, September 11th, 2007|
So this shit is PRIVATE. Add if you must?
|Monday, May 14th, 2007|
one year of college down. 3 or 4 or 5 left. no big.
at least it's all getting better. even though i'm staying at kstate, i'll have to deal with the thought of the most hideous, horrible person in my entire life. he'll never be put behind bars. he's fucking free to assault the next girl who walks past him on the street. and i'm stuck with the guilt that i didn't do enough. but it's getting better, really.
the girls have been there more than ever. more than i ever could've asked for. my friends down here in georgia have slipped away, but my sorority sisters continue to be my life support.
boys. two boys. one new, one old...but extrordinary boys. sean. ben. enough said.
alec. i'm done. i don't deserve to be treated like shit by someone like you. get over it. i can't wait for you to grow up and come to me. so fuck off.
i have so much else to write, but not at 3:30 am. tomorrow. when i'm alive. Current Mood: cranky
|Friday, December 29th, 2006|
it's hard to accept that he's gone."it'll be six to twelve months..."
and i never really got to say goodbye. just a facebook message about missing him and loving him."you know i love you too."
i'll be done with my freshman year of college before i see him again."i want to write to you..."
how do i handle this?"i miss you." Current Mood: restless
|Saturday, November 18th, 2006|
i'm so out of it.
i hate that so many parts of my life are just...out of my control.
out of my hands.
and i can't do anything about it.
my mom is recovering from being in the hospital, my roommate is a dumb whore, almost all of my classes are cancelled on monday and tuesday (minus my ONE FUCKING 8:30 LECTURE), i can't get a flight out of kansas city earlier than my wednesday flight unless i want to pay 500 bucks, boys are tearing me apart (excuse me...boy), i might fail a class...that i need for my major, and on top of that...i have to worry about sorority shit.
i kind of hate college. or at least all the drama i'm facing with it.
and if i fail that class...it's bye-bye kansas state and hello georgia perimeter.
i give up. Current Mood: stressed
|Thursday, September 28th, 2006|
|i never noticed...
you're soooo amazing.
but how's this for a shocker. i'm happy now. i'm not hating all that is kstate and manhattan like i was last month. this is amazing. i remember talking about transfering, dropping out for a semester, escaping to atlanta at any cost...well, probably not happening...because i LIKE IT HERE. it's been fun. i mean, i think i started doing stupid shit and fucking up just so i would have an excuse to come home, but now i'm ok with not screwing up on a daily or weekly basis. i'm ok with just being satisfied with kstate for the moment. and that's a relief!
don't get me wrong. i miss georgia and everyone there with all my heart, but i'm ok with being away from everything. all the high school drama that still exists there. it's not my problem. and i like it that way.
yesss. Current Mood: content
|Sunday, September 10th, 2006|
it's been a month. i'm tired already. i wish i was done or that i could go back home or just see a familiar face and get a hug or a kiss or a nice cuddle. i need to go home for a while. i really wish that something bad would happen so i could just go home and go somewhere in-state or transfer my ass to alabama or state or some place away from here. i was happy for a while and i was even worse off than i am now at one point, but now i just feel like i'm lost in kansas. it's the past. and i feel like the past should just stay there...behind me. and it doesnt help that my heart is still into someone else. i told him. i told him how i felt and that i didnt want to do anything with someone just for the hell of it because i cared about him and he basically told me i should do something because the feelings werent all there. i want to know what the heck he's doing. has be found someone else? someone new? someone to make me sad? someone to really make me think that if i had stuck around in georgia, things might be different? well, i think that anyway. and it sucks that i am actually thinking about coming back. because my heart and my head are stuck in atlanta with my family, my amazing friends, and him. i just want to go home and see my parents and sleep in my own bed for a night and eat some good food...not deal with my dorm and my roommate and being a broke ass college kid. it sucks. i was looking at georgia state and uga...maybe gcsu or southern...even alabama where i'm already in up until my junior year. who knows. i need to wait. figure out what i want. where i want to be. what i need out of college life. Current Mood: lonely
|Tuesday, August 8th, 2006|
it's almost here. the end. a chance for me to once again begin a brand new life. start clean. and it's only less than 4 days away...and i can't bear to break away. i can't leave what i've found. it's like uncovering something you've buried or long forgotten. it's like finding what you had once lost. and i've done it. i've gone back to the start and have hit the ground head first. and now it burns inside of me. in my heart. i know what's happening. although my mind would like to turn away and forget any of these feelings, my heart can't and won't let go. not again. it's different than before. i'm not going into this blindly. i know what i want. and it's simply too late. i have no where to run and there's no room for one more go around. my frustration and sadness are just beginning to peak and boil over. but it's just the start. i've let every single emotion flow from my heart, through my mouth, and into his mind. he knows how i feel, what i want, how i miss him, how i loved him. how i still love him. and now i just have to sit and wait to see what he wants to do. what will happen of this summer romance. i know nothing will happen, but a girl can hope/wish/dream right. i hope tomorrow night's kidnapping will give us time to just be alone. to talk again. maybe be like we were. i hate thinking about this. i hate knowing that in 4 days i'll be back where i started: kansas. it's home, but a huge chunk of my heart will always remain in georgia with my friends, my family, and someone else.
the battle is done. with all the things i've done, the battle it done. time, truth, and heart have helped my hold on and my battle is done. Current Mood: scared
|Monday, July 24th, 2006|
It's when you have so many thoughts caught up in your mind that you never know what to do. My only reaction right now to to just say goodbye. I'm leaving. I feel like I can simply cut off all ties and just move on. There's always the chance that I'll never be here in Georgia again. Sometimes I think that's the best option...To never come back. Yeah. I wander away from my problems. It's usually easier for me that way. I mean, it's really worse in the end...But I feel better about it. I'm actually really excited to start over again. I may of hated when I first moved here to Georgia, but a new start was just what I needed I was so tired of all the bullshit I went through and put up with back in Kansas. Alpharetta may be a bubble, but nothing compares to the good, ol' Johnson County bubble. In Alpharetta, there are new people moving here all the time, but in J.Co you've probably been living there since you were born. Or you've known everyone since before you started high school. It's this atmosphere that breeds drama. But now I'm ready. I can't take the Alpharetta life anymore. I can't stay here any longer. I'm being suffocated in this town. I made mistakes in Kansas, but nothing compares to the things I've done here. Well, not so much as the things I've done here, but the after effects. It's different. People blow things off or joke about them in my old group, but here...Everything just explodes. Maybe it's just high school. I hope so. I'm ready for the college life. I'm ready for my Political Science major. I'm ready for learning new things and meeting new people. I'm ready to join that sorority. I'm ready to decorate my dorm room with Shannon. I'm excited to party with my old Northwest friends. I'm pumped for going to football games with my new friends. I'm ready for that Wildcat life. I've never been so excited to move away. To go to school! I'm ready for classes. It's not going to be easy, but responsibility is going to be...Fun. I've started to give up on my life here because I can't deal with it. But you know what...Life is too short to get stuck on the little things and even the bigger things. Live life. Do what you please. If you upset other people, try to make that step forward. We're all adults here...Well, almost adults. People should be able to talk things out. Or not. I'm afraid. All I hear from my friends in college is how you'll never see these high school friends again. You aren't going to talk to them all on a daily basis. You might see them when you come back from school, but you aren't going to be best friends anymore. It's hard to think about. But isn't it already happening? Current Mood: okay
have you ever said something in the heat of your anger?
well, i guess that's what livejournal is for.
for starting so much bullshit that you don't even know where to start and make it better.
but let's see what i can do.
i still feel you're taking sides. if not sides, we (as you and i) aren't trying to hang out. everytime i
call you, you're hanging out with alec and justin as a group or with justin. i can't come if alec is there because god knows he just loves me. and i don't always want to hang out with you and justin. being the third-wheel is cute, but hey...i'd rather not. so why can't you call me when you AREN'T with him/them? i know you've called, but i'm either at work or just dead. and you know how that is. you know what it's like to be just too tired to move or function or drive. yeah. and as for thursday. it's ryan. he may be creepy, but i care about him and when he's hurt and almost out of an important race for rowing and maybe for a season...i got sad. and reacted in the, "i have to go be a caring friend" kind of way.
bullshit. i'm just angry. i just spew things out when i'm angry. you should know that.
as for alec. i'm sorry. i tried to fucking patch it up the best i could, but he refuses to even attempt. so fuck that.
and yeah, so what if you told me not to get into that "situation". so what if i said i wasn't going to. and so what if i got what i wanted on a physical satisfaction level. i'm sorry. i understood what would happen. i knew that i was doing something stupid. but i don't regret the general happenings of that night. i had fun. i enjoyed myself. whatever.
and i still want that shirt because it's one of the only things i have left of clarissa. Current Mood: aggravated
|Sunday, July 23rd, 2006|
that's right. i'm re-connecting to old friends. well, old alpharetta friends. or just people i haven't seen all freaking summer.
even people i didn't hang out that much with.
i mean, we all head out in like 2 or 3 weeks...might as well bond while we can.
that's good. always good to move along and out.
manny left and i didn't even get to say goodbye to the damn kid.
ooo. i get to party with the rowers on monday. that's just my happy detail on the day. it's been too long.
i had a dream that alec and i got back together. and we were going to a keith urban concert with hannah and megan. it was really bizzare. because it was alec...but really different. maybe how i pictured i could change him? oh well. Current Mood: giddy
|Friday, July 21st, 2006|
|i still hate consequences.
i'm going on vacation. from this shitty life. i'm tired of waiting around and dealing with your bullshit. i can obviously tell who you're siding with...i'm not stupid. goodbye. maybe we'll hang out before i go back to where i belong.
oh yeah. can i have my tshirt back already?
i still don't regret what i did.
i somewhat wish that he would talk to me.
i feel bad for hurting him.
i wish he understood that i just want to be his friend.
i think he needs to realize that we're going to fucking see each other soon so he should fucking listen to me now.
i want to do tom again.
i hate liking doing things like that.
i feel dirty.
i would like to leave for kansas already.
i wonder if walking away from problems makes them better.
i thought it would be fun to take a road trip.
i want to go to savannah. or the beach. or chattanooga.
i need new clothes.
i need a new life.
i think that tom should owe it all to my ex.
i really feel dirty.
i feel like tom is a whore.
i feel that even though he's the whore...i'm the one who got used.
i miss kansas.
i miss rowing.
i am a little more than usless right now.
i want to go shopping already.
i hate my job.
i love the people i work with.
i read about mike rivera today.
i remembered how amazing sophomore year was now.
i miss shawnee mission northwest.
i like football.
i like kansas state.
i can't wait for school.
i never thought i would say that.
i am starting to just give up.
i think that life sucks.
i don't like who i've become.
i wonder what happened to my morals and standards.
i want my old life back.
i am sad.
i wish i could do something right for once.
i think we all know what i'm getting at.
i am angry but i can still say that i will walk away a better person.
i never thought that all we had would be all for nothing.
i don't hate you and i don't want to fight you and you should know i'll always love you but right now i just don't like you.
i should say something like "true that" right now.
true that. Current Mood: bruised.
|Wednesday, July 19th, 2006|
|all hail the mother land!
in a matter of weeks, my life is going to be flipped upside down.
and i dread it.
but i accept it with open arms.
22 days till i return to the mother land!
well. kansas. and i've never been happier to go back. Current Mood: excited
|Tuesday, July 18th, 2006|
| i don't want to be your skanky anymore if this is the way it's going to be. Current Mood: lonely
it seems since i "fucked everything up", certain people don't want to hang out.sorry. you seemed like you were busy.
why do you hang out with him when you KNOW
neither of us want to have anything to do with the other?
tom wants me to come to chattanooga on friday.
i'll be pissed off when i actually end up going.
i want to punch someone in the face.
i need to go work out and stop being fat. Current Mood: pissed off
|Monday, July 17th, 2006|
|be a man.
yeah. damn straight. i'm going to act like a man.
fuck falling in love. i'll do what i please.
yeah. i asked for the drama this weekend, but screw it. i had fun. i got what i wanted. i'm pretty sure tom got what he wanted. and alec got a strong dose of reality (side-effects are acting like a total prick, randomly yelling things like "fuck you", "shut the fuck up", "get the fuck out", and other phrases that could have the phrase "fuck" in them.)
i guess i'll just let you cry.
but it's kind of a relief. the one night stand sort of thing. well, i guess it wasn't a one night stand because i'm friends with him, but then again there is the possibility that i got used as fuck. hope that's not the case...because that's pretty dick. but it's like sex and the city...fuck like a man. do it just to get the pleasure and be done with it all.
(sorry. i'm usually bad with attachment. i've gotten better with the whole "throw away when done" thing now. oh well.) Current Mood: relieved
|Friday, July 14th, 2006|
|omg. so this is what it feels like to be a terrible person.
i have never felt more...awful
in my life.
i have never known someone to...love
me that much.
i have never understood how in such a...short
time someone could feel so strongly for ME
i have never thought it to be possible...that i could feel the same way.
why did it take me all of this to realize what i had and how good
i had it?
i really am a total bitch.
in the world of "my name is kristin and here is my heart..."
everything is flipped upside down and simply doesn't make sense.
and a heart breaks. Current Mood: melancholy
|Monday, July 10th, 2006|
|hi. my name is kristin and i have the worst timing...ON THE PLANET!
so i'm really, really happy. and i don't really know why.
i think it's the working out and finally feeling inspired to go to the gym and sweat my ass off. yeah, that's it.i love it.
and now all of these people don't like the position i'm in.
i have friends who either:a.)
don't like alec. and think i'm unhappy.b.)
think i'm stupid for even considering</c> leaving alec.
c.) don't really have any idea what's going on, but they think one is more attractive than the other.
oh. to make things worse...he thinks i'm attractive (physically, intelligence wise, wit wise (HE LIKES MY WIT...DAMN), and so on.)
shit. where has this kid been all of my life.
plus. he PROMISED he'd make it to kansas state for a football game since we're...well...semi-close? Current Mood: indescribable
|Sunday, July 9th, 2006|
|not that he cares...
everything hurts. i mean everything.
i'm not a very physically agressive person but after dinner with my parents...i wanted to fucking stab my father or throw a plate at his fucking face.
STOP FUCKING TREATING ME LIKE I'M 12 AGAIN.
get off my case and let me be a god damn teenager. i have a month left here and i'm going to kill you before i can even get to college. Current Mood: chipper